Friday, 6 February 2009


Do you have to be completely happy in the first place to find someone?

If so, then I guess I will never find anyone till the day I die.

I think it is perfectly natural and normal to have a desire to be with someone. This is itself does not signify desperation - simply a perfectly commonplace human behaviour, both on an emotional and physical level. If this desire is unfulfilled, then it is quite likely you won't be completely content.

What is desperation and why is it so unattractive?

Desperation is the persistent inability to have any peace with yourself. Desperation is the death (or lack of birth) of any sense of individual self. Desperation results in the individual inversely projecting all their fears, guilts, and neurosis onto the opposite individual, who then becomes a completely perfect "saint" and espouses strength in precisely those very areas they lack. Or alternatively, desperation seeks common ground by finding someone with exactly the same fears, with the vision that you can you collectively build up your own fortress between you and the world together. 

In both cases, the underlying implication is that the "desperate" person sees not the actual character of the person they are interested in, but simply see what they wish to see. The desperate person lacks the integrity of an open and authentic response to the person of their desire. In fact, the truly desperate person will simply wish to be with virtually anyone at all, just as long as they will have them. That is, taken to its logical conclusion, they wish to possess them.

The person who is the subject of such an interest naturally pushes them away because they recognise that not only are they attempting to build something on an unhealthy basis, but also the fact that they recognise that as soon as the desperate individual sees the true reality of who they are, things will naturally start to fall apart. The desperate person will also be emotionally suffocating because their own lack of self will result in them becoming overwhelmingly attached, and seek to live their life purely through the eyes of the other person. Rather than contribute, they will drain.

Being unhappy with your current life, and also wishing to have someone to share it with, is not, however, equivalent to desperation.

One of the hardest aspects of being single for a elongated length of time is that it is very hard not to lose confidence. Success breeds confidence - this is one of the greatest ironies, and a Catch 22 of life in general.

Someone who merely lacks confidence, and is unhappy with how things are panning out, is still qualitatively different from a desperate person. Unlike a desperate person, if "success" should arrive, their whole character and disposition can radically change overnight.

Much as a set of dark storm clouds can be very quickly blown away to reveal an awesome sunrise with a blue sky, so can such a person be uplifted and radically blossom in the world. What was there all along, had just become temporarily veiled.

The thing is, it requires that someone gives them a chance. Just a chance.

The person who is desperate has much more work to do. They have a journey of self-discovery. We must all undertake this journey continuously, as an act of self-development, regardless of how happy or mentally stable we are, but someone who is desperate has lost all sense of their bearings; the light has gone out on their candle in amongst the deepest of cave systems. They have to relight their candle and then commit to familiarising themselves with an entirely unknown space again.

Me? I am often gloomy and things are frequently hard. But I'm definitely not desperate. I know the sort of qualities I'm looking for in a person and I do have a good sense as to the sort of person I am. I'm prepared to wait for as long as it takes for the right person, and don't simply wish to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. I don't pretend to have everything figured out, nor is life necessarily particularly brilliant. But I do embrace the desire to enrich mine - and hopefully her - existence by finding someone - the right person - and seeing where it goes.

In lonely times, yes, it can be tempting just to have someone where someone is anyone. This is a weakness we all have, at moments of crisis. Such a desire is not inherently wrong; it is simply reflective of the human desire to connect.

But the overwhelming majority of the time, I know - in rough terms; for life is always surprising - the sort of qualities I look for.

I'm just conscious of the fact that my own tendency for outright honesty is often off putting, as perhaps I come across as desperate when I am honest in admitting that life is far from everything I wish it to be. I don't have all the answers. I'm just trying to always find them as best I can. I don't expect or require anything more than that from anyone else.

I just know, however, that having someone to share the wonderfully small things in life would make life so much more delightful, bring back a light-hearted joy to my existence, and allow me to give to her as much as she gives to me.

Until that time, no, I won't be completely content. What is wrong with that? Surely nothing.

Whilst I am fully aware that one must be careful not to look outside for a contentment and joy, that, in principle, were always there, available all along, inside... nevertheless there is a more prosaic material level to existence, and external changes need to mirror internal changes. You make the internal changes and then hopefully the external changes manifest themselves. Internal changes can be hard to sustain, and sometimes can collapse; but quietly, you work with fortitude, and slowly but surely, things can change. In other words, "two steps forward, one back" is usually the more likely method of progress.

I am a young man who wants love, companionship, and sex - with the right person! And fun! I believe it will happen naturally when I find her, whoever she is. (Naturally doesn't mean automatic, however!) These are fundamental parts of the human existence I desire to lead.

Some people are happy as hermits. Some people are happy finding seclusion and celibacy as a monk in a religious retreat. Some people are happy living life moment to moment, with a random mix of new people each week. Some people are happy with a stable one person whom they live with for countless years till they die. Some people are happier to be permanently single, free to choose and do as they wish whenever they want.

Some people - and probably the majority - find true contentment when they find someone to share their path through life with. Some of these people - perhaps many - were pretty happy individuals prior to meeting the other person. Some, were not, but soon become so after meeting the other person.

No one is a panacea, and meeting someone doesn't mean your life automatically becomes wonderful, or that things are never hard. They frequently are and will be. But it is highly likely your life will be more fulfilling and existentially richer if you maintain the same spirit of openness that hopefully you originally met with.

The point is, one cannot generalise, and one must be careful. Careful not just in proceeding with things with anyone, but also equally careful in drawing inaccurate conclusions about someone too early.

Sometimes someone just needs a confidence boost!

No one ever became a great artist without some encouragement from somewhere.
Communicate. Be honest. Be direct. Share. If they really are desperate, ultimately this process will help them. If they aren't, then it will become clear.

If you do consider yourself desperate: Communicate. Be honest. Be direct. Share. You'll find yourself.

A lot of people who perhaps might seem desperate, aren't. A lot of people who seem perfectly happy and not at all desperate, may in fact be so. People can become quite proficient at putting masks on. I hate masks but this is sometimes to my detriment, as I probably am pretty full-on most of the time. We all have to take a great deal of care before making a hasty conclusion.

And lest I sound like I'm either randomly sermonising or bemoaning to the world, I should add that I nearly got this grossly wrong myself. So I speak from experience as someone who judged completely incorrectly. I jumped to an incorrect and hasty conclusion about someone. I thought she was desperate and nearly completely pushed her away, prematurely.

At the last moment though, we communicated. We were honest. She was just, as it were, a bit nervous and shy. I hadn't made the effort to properly discuss things with her.

We ended up being together for 6 years, the majority of which, despite ups and downs and the hardships of life, were generally very good years. Though we may not be together any more, I now consider her family and I am confident we shall remain close friends for the rest of our lives.

There was certainly nothing desperate about her once I got to know her, and our relationship was probably defined as much by an easy relaxed lack of any possessiveness. Neither of us were the type to get jealous, and were happy to let the other have their own space.

Am I desperate?


Do I come across as desperate?

Hopefully not. But perhaps I do.


dianne said...

Blogger Aren O. Týr said...

Dianne wrote: "but alas it wasn't our destiny and it broke my heart.
I have never been the same since."

I know the feeling: and the uncertainty that lies just before it, the precipice, is what is so terrifying.

For you know, at that fragile moment, dreams can either be made, or broken, for they are fragile...

Hello Aren, these are my words and yours; I have just been visiting Nature Diary as I wanted to read "Love at first Sight" once more and found your comment.
You are such a lovely guy, there is a big difference between being desperate and alone and wanting someone in your life.
There is nothing so natural as wanting to share your life with someone,to share love,thoughts, conversations all of the wonderful things that make up a relationship.

When I met this man my life was far from perfect but I was quite content, I had been seperated from my husband for seven years and had not dated anyone at all mainly because I don't like going to singles bars etc and putting myself out there; I just got on with my life.
I had been asked out by a few men but I wasn't really interested in starting up a relationship with anyone.You see I wont be with just anyone, I'm not like that...and I had shut myself down emotionally.
Well when I met this man I couldn't believe the emotions I was feeling,it was electric,so full of promise, I just felt a warm familiarity with him, exciting but comfortable...the conversation flowed freely, we got on so well and the attraction seemed to be mutual.
I suddenly realised that something had been missing, I wanted more in my life, I wanted him in my life.
We came together purely by chance as he was helping me with a deceased estate which I had to finalise and get a house ready for sale. I hired him as my project manager from the phone book without having met him previously.
Well we exchanged some lovely telephone conversations, many text messages and I saw him three times at his place of business.
I know he felt something for me for this went on for over two years, but no relationship, no sex only an 'almost' kiss as we were interrupted.
He told me he was hoping to patch things up with his partner but if that didn't work out there was certainly a chance for us and we would keep in touch. After a few months he said he couldn't give me what I wanted but a friendship yes.
So like a fool I waited and waited in the hope that he would want me, but despite the lovely words of hope that didn't happen and he married his partner unbeknown to me and the contact stopped when she found out about our text messages.
I was devastated, I believed in him and we were so right for each other. It has taken me a such a long time to come to terms with this, I cannot hate him because I really believe he felt some affection for me but he should have been more honest with me.
Now we have no contact at all, which to me is very sad.
If you go to my blog 'Here is my Heart',in my earlier posts you will find some poetry there, and prose which is all about him. I wrote these in an effort to externalise the pain I was feeling and in a way letting it all out has been cathartic.
As I said I will never be the same again.
I do hope you find someone wonderful to love and who loves you in return, be open with them and share your feelings, I know it is a risk of having your heart bruised and broken but sometimes we do meet the right person.
I was open and honest with him, I was myself, no masks, I showed my vulnerability and even though it didn't work out I am so glad that I met him, it could have worked out and had a glorious ending.
I have put my avatar in your followers list.

Best of luck to you, Dianne ♥

Aren O. Týr said...

Thank you so much for taking the time to leave your extensive comment. I'll be watching your blog too :-)

I always try to be completely open with people. I really dislike "fronts" and I hate "playing the game". It just seems so artificial and contrived. And dishonourable and dishonest.

This is probably why I have so little success!

Although I'm certainly no closet introvert, I'm also definitely not the type that likes to go out on the town with big brash displays. I much prefer a quality conversation and a quieter night in with a special person or group of friends.

It is just the seemingly endless monotony of going through life without anyone to share the most important, subtle and emotive aspects of life gets... existentially tiring, I guess.

Opportunities are so rare, too. The fact of the matter is that when do you get the opportunity to share a frank genuine conversation with a like minded soul?

So we all pass each other, "as ships in the night".

I suppose you could say: unhappiness does not automatically equal dysfunctionality.

Indyeah said...

Well you certainly do not come across as desperate...rather very curious and in search of something elusive....Something that even you don't know perhaps?:)

''I am confident we shall remain close friends for the rest of our lives. ''
You say this...and then you ask if honesty is offputting?
If it was,then she probably wouldnt have remained in touch with you..would she?even if you wanted to...
very rare are those people who can be friends with a past love...
I am not one of them...
But you are..and that says a lot...

Whatevr it is that you are on a search for,whoever you think you are,to me you seem like one of the most inherently open people I have come across...:)

Triana said...

Aren, don't be "a ship in the night," lest a Storm come & knock you off course.

Always, ~T