Sunday, 15 February 2009

Running through an endless night

Well, predictably, my upbeat mood was never going to last, and so I have descended back down, and find myself in a bleak, black mood.

I went for a run tonight. It was a run, that in many ways, was a metaphor for my life over the last couple of years.

I tend to go running on random routes, and this time I found myself following the main road down into the Walker area of Newcastle. For virtually the whole run, practically a single soul was not to be seen: empty streets, with parked cars everywhere, innumerable houses. A few rooms were lit. It was a run past areas full of empty, closed factories and outhouses; past a deserted dockland; down an empty cycle path. Past Segendum, a Roman fort, the last outpost of the world famous Hadrian's wall, which traditionally divided England and Scotland. It was actually just a few piles of ruined brickwork, strewn with discarded litter and right next to a unattractive council estate.

Down and along bland road networks, a retail park, traffic lights. On the way back, I saw another, single, solitary runner. Normally, there is an unwritten code between runners - you expect to exchange some eye contact, perhaps a smile, a gesture, or even a greeting; possibly even an "How are you?". Some sort of acknowledgement, no matter how small. I looked across and he ran past me as if I wasn't there, as if he'd never even seen me at all. As if I was a ghost.

So, just like life, I come to ask myself, do I even exist? Or am I just a mere apparition.

My path through life just seems to be a constant struggle on, with no particular change in sight, just a random walk alone. Profoundly alone.

I try to reach out; I get ignored. I make a call; they don't answer. I send a message; I get no reply. I sent a txt; it disappears without a reply.

I didn't think I'd grow up, and find my years passing by in such a joyless, mundane, existence.

Unsurprisingly, since scientific research has shown that your dreams are often more literal than we realise, when I do have dreams I remember, they are often of the same character. A feeling of fruitlessness, a feeling of being lost, a feeling of never getting anywhere. Quite often they will involve me travelling to some destination, but almost invariably, I will never ever get there; what should have been a straightforward journey suddenly becomes endless; I'm travelling by train, I change to get a connection, it never arrives; I travel by train, and it comes to a junction with countless sets of rails, and gets stuck; I travel by aeroplane, and I get permanently stuck in the departure lounge. What makes it worse, of course, is at the destination was something usualy quite exciting or wonderful. But I never see it, I never get there.

The other night, one of my dreams was more poignant. I often drift off to sleep wishing to dream of love and sex, to be quite frank, since at least, even it is but a dream, it has some "reality", at least for a few hours. Rarely, however, does it actually happen, and I normally wake up with no recollection of any dreams whatsoever.

This one I did meet some wonderful girl. I think we were on a set of stairs, or perhaps in a room in her apartment. It was rather old fashioned, with an old world feel to it. Sunlight was gleaming through the skylight. She was smiling, we were talking. She was very pretty. There was a bookshelf full of interesting books. Perhaps we were talking about books. I don't know. She wrapped her arm around mine; we felt close. It was actually someone I could talk to; we understood each other perfectly. I think she might have kissed me. Then there was something she had to do, somewhere she had to go. I'm not sure. She disappeared out the door, and I knew that I would never see her again, and at that very moment, I woke up, feeling disorientated for a few seconds.

This was a rarity. Meeting imaginary women, even for just a conversation, in dreams, has now become increasingly rare. I take the fact that there is now a total absence of any more intimate sexual content to my dreams to reflect that fact that even in my intuitive mind, my pscyhe, it no longer believes it a possibility that will ever actually occur. It parallels my recurring dreams of travelling without ever actually getting anywhere.

I simply go in circles.

Even in my dreams, my dreams themselves have become but mere dreams. They have in fact, become bland and grey; just perplexingly, confusingly, and sometimes bizarrely so.

But usually I wake up remembering nothing.

That, is perhaps worst of all.

@Louise: Valentine's day has become extremely depressing, and this year was no different. I lost track of the number of couples of all ages, plenty similar in age to me, who walked into the shop, bedecked with flowers. Or men (and a few women) by themselves but with flowers in hand, presumably ready for a special someone. I've got no one to give any [romantic] love to: the female species seems to have made it abundantly clear that none of them actually want anything I have to offer.

The fact of the matter is that as life goes on like this, without even a flicker of interest from anyone at all, without anyone to share anything much at all with, one's confidence slowly erodes away. You feel yourself slowly eroding away. Nothing builds a person's confidence like some sort of success; nothing eats it away like a continual lack of any.

I escape into my own little world of books and music. So, tonight, I will listen to some Satie, then drift off the sleep, and sleep long, since I don't have to get up early tomorrow, as I have it off work.


Triana said...

I have often heard this: You are only as alone as you chose to be. At times I think it's bullshit. No one CHOSES to be alone; at least no one in their right mind. Yet, at some points in life I can see the truth behind this statement. We are only who we set ourselves out to be. Nothing more, nothing less. Interesting that you take random runs to clear the mind, so do I. We do seem to have much in common ; ) Don't cut yourself short. Your mind is brilliant; you will find someone to match it ... your compliment.

Traveller said...

so you've travelled to Iceland have you? I adore it:)

Triana said...

Also I want to add, you are not being ignored. Yes, it is unpleasurable that you make such connections merely through the internet. It is much harder in real life. Communication is more difficult to master when you are not shielded by anonymity. I truly appreciate your comments on my blog. FindingMyWingsInLife set me upon your blog, saying that your mind works like mine does. She knows me very well & I think her assumption is very correct. ~Triana

dianne said...

I'm sorry you felt so alone on your run, don't worry about the other jogger some people just get into their own zone and don't notice anyone.
Dreams can be a blessing sometimes, as we subconsciously act out things we would like to happen in our conscious lives and it relieves some of the stress be it going to a lovely place, meeting someone lovely or actually dreaming of romance and sex.
I don't like it when the dream gets interesting then you wake or if you wake with a feeling of apprehension.
My Valentines day was very lonely too, I had high hopes of getting a card or maybe some flowers, but of course it didn't I said "Hope floats and is gone".
And to top it off I had an argument with a special internet friend and was told to go away, I have written a poem about it, so sad.
I would really like you to meet some special girl, you have a brilliant mind, you express your feelings so eloquently and I love that you have such a wonderful depth of perception...something missing in a lot of males. ♥