Monday, 14 December 2009

Confounded by....?

So where does one go from here.

One of the necessary psychological survival techniques is to convince yourself that things will improve; things will change for the better. Motivational speakers will urge you to "become the change that you want to be", or to "make it happen".

How does one deal with being subjugated into a life denied of meaningful purpose by economic tyranny, starved of the intellectual, spiritual, emotional and sexual fulfilment, grated down into submission by a world whose values have been emptied?

The old chestnut; problems are easy to diagnose, solutions very difficult to find.

I fit in well only by denying the very essence of who I am; refusing to allow the disintegration of the qualities from which all of my strength depends means confronting the emptiness without.

"Adaptation" to social norms resulted in assimilation; and so I found myself sitting at the table in the restaurant on my only date of this year, earlier this summer, projecting a complete absence of any defining personality whatsoever. She was a perfectly nice girl; highly intelligent, reasonably physically attractive if slightly awkward of dress, and looking forward to a bright future in Economics (it turned out she graduated with a First and is now no doubt studying for a Masters at Warwick University). There was no real chemistry between us, so although conversation flowed reasonably well, there wasn't that critical element of sexual tension that characterises real attraction. Consequently no particular specific (in this instance) disappointment that nothing resulted.

However, the experiment (since, if nothing else, it has proved my one and only opportunity for the possibility of anything at all happening with someone this year) did reveal a negative result in terms of drawing my awareness to the enormous discrepancy in the properties and qualities of my internal existence in relation to their expression in my external existence. This discrepancy has a profoundly damaging effect on my ability to project an attractive rich personality; instead I present a book of empty pages, full stops, chapters prematurely ended and a story that has abruptly terminated.

I trawl myself to and from work; blankly nod and mechanistically say and do the things that need to be said and done; come home, eat, sleep, listen to some music, fire a few words out into the gigantic (though not entirely empty) void of cyberspace, superficially trace the events of a few real friends (and far more who should be more aptly described as mere "connections") lives through the ultimately barren universe of the cultural zeitgeist of our times, namely "social networking" through Facebook (or should that rather not be better described as Facelessbook? Excuse my cynicism, perhaps you can still detect a grain of dry humour hidden in my writing)... and find myself stuck in this abrogating circle.

Under such emotional stultification, can I be permitted some emotional outbursts? Why, but this is first and foremost my blog, so I have artistic license to do as I wish, I suppose!

God, can I not scream out to the universe! Or Gods, show me a path!

Indicate some path that is right for me, something, anything with some meaning than this.

Something to spark something off! I've put so much energy into trying to find some vision, I need something to become clear!

Something to make me feel like a man - with a purpose.

And how I miss a woman; some company. A woman's embrace. Sexual alchemy. Someone sharp witted, fiery, compassionate and with spiritual strength. Tired of the endless platitudes of "someone will come along eventually" etc., etc. All intellectual deliberating aside, on a most basic level, who wants to come home, day after endless day, to an empty house? And hey, wouldn't it be nice to actually have someone to spend Yule with.

The time is now; I need many dimensions of my existence to change significantly, I feel myself growing immensely weary with this existence that lies so far from my intentions. Mere self-preservation.

"Through the countless agencies of mass production and its culture the conventionalised modes of behaviour are impressed on the individual as the only natural, respectable, and rational ones. He defines himself only as a thing, as a static element, as success or failure. His yardstick is self-preservation, successful or unsuccessful approximation to the objectivity of his function and models established for it."

Dialectic Of Enlightenment, Thedor W. Adorno & Max Horkheimer.


findingmywingsinlife said...

I don't have any more answers than the next person but starved of life? Hmm...I like that thought. I think many people are in that predicament. I've often wondered just what do you feed yourself to keep from starving?

I sometimes think we "feed" ourselves the wrong things and then end up with more problems than just starvation. The problem is I don't think we know the difference between good food and bad food for our souls.

But I am also aware that I don't know nearly enough of the world to really make an educated assessment of whether or not that's true for everyone or just myself.

Ashley said...

Interesting thoughts.

It is hard for people to function as an individual while trying so hard to function as a whole. Some block out who they are in an attempt to ease the pain of constant internal conflict, while others know who they are and hide their true self from the world.

For me, I try to be reflective on who I am and what's important to me. I take that information and try to integrate as much of who I am into my outside interactions as possible.

Does it create awkward silences? Sometimes. Am I wildly popular? No. I have a few friends and amazingly wonderful brothers. At the end of the day that is all I need, and the knowledge that I have made a real effort to be who I truly am. No amount of acceptance from the outside world could replace that.

By the way, you are an exceptional writer.

Triana said...

My question is this: why does everyone in life *need* to have something to believe in, something to drive them forward in life. Is it not enough to just have LIFE? Why the endless search for a greater meaning?